March 8, 2009
The Present here
Yes. It has been more than 18 months since I have posted.
Yes. Between the present here and the past there, much has happened.
But to share it all at this moment would be a distraction.
It will come as I post more.
For now a few wordshots.
Charley, Charles, 3.5, a big boy. Asked Daddy this morning to help him/ teach him how to make a B, and then made two more on his own. Ask him what letter a word starts with and he can tell you, as longs as the words at this point are consonants. Later at the park, Daddy taught Charley how to balance on the skateboard; he looks like a natural.
Ben, Benjamin, 2.25, is NOT a baby (as he has told me since 18 months, "I NOT a baby Mama, I just Ben"). He was crawling at 6 months, walking at 9.5 and running by the time he 15 months… Talking? Most the time we can understand him, but Charley understands him better. Ben sees Bs everywhere and tells me "That's a B for me."
Jason, J. Dear husband and friend. His business has grown enough to support us all as I've stayed home with the boys. He is an awesome, fun and thoughtful dad. We've had our struggles, as a couple and parents, but we are learning how to navigate this life together, and our love continues to grow through all the new experiences of parenting and of life.
Me, Diedra, D.
I am 38. 5'7" 120.
Wife. Mama. Teacher.
Sick. Not the flu or cold, or even the guilty pleasure sick of a hangover.
Sick with a strange disease. Rare. Fibrosing mediastinitis. A growth/ tumor is surround my trachea and esophogus and makes it hard to swallow easy to choke. It's a kind of sticky tissue that wraps itself around things in the medistinum, minor vessels like the vena cava, pulmanary arteries, lungs, trachea, caroded artery We are not certain this is ALL I have, as I have been on a lymphoma/Hodgkin's Disease watch for eight months. In that eight months I have had thre sets of chest and neck CT scans, a PET scan–which led to the immediate end to Ben's breast feeding, chest x-rays, a mediastinoscopy, numerous blood tests, a barium swallow study, more blood tests, a trip to the ER for choking, and endoscopy that included stretching my esophagus.
Some days I feel sick, tired, my throat hurts where the growth is, the growth hurts, my chest hurts, and I am bone tired.
Most days I feel the same, just with a lump in my throat.
I live my same daily routine. The boys are a demanding distraction. I am busy with managing their needs and poorly managing the house from their waking until bedtime.
Up until a month ago, we were in the "wait and see" cycle. A pergatory of sorts. Now, I am taking Tamoxifen, with the hopes that it will shrink the growth of the fibrosing tumors, and that it is not cancer. But this is a trial, and I still feel uncertain about the diagnosis and myself… Am I really sick? Why am I sick? What is this? Why now? Am I just lazy?
Mostly, I float down the river denial and pretend that I can do everything I could always do.
More to come.
Filed under: